Back in the 70's a young man in Manchester gets on the London train and sits in a smokers carriage. Gets a cigarette out and finds he's left his matches at home, so asks the older chap opposite if he's got a light. Have I got a light? No. If I give you a light we'll end up chatting and by the time we get to London we'll be getting on really well. In Lodon we'll probably end up going to the pub opposite the station, drink a few sherberts and get quite merry. By throwing out time it'll be too late for you to travel home so I'd suggest you stay at my house. I have a daughter about your age and during the night you'd probably sneak into her room and end up getting her pregnant, and then having to marry her. I'm not having my daughter marry someone who can't even afford a box of matches!

I found this on a Comics webpage - Arcamax/Bizarro for today. I hope none of our members will be upset by it. . . . . . ..

A motley group of Russian comrades are in a hotel in a small town near the Siberian border. They open a bottle of vodka, start drinking and telling stories about Putin, the war in Ukraine the economy and the government in general.

One of the guys, Sasha, however, is worried that they're going too far, and tells them so. "Sasha," says Volodymir, not to worry, we're way out here in this small little hick town, and the FSB is nowhere around this place for sure!" 

Sasha is still concerned, so he slips out, goes down to the reception desk and orders a glass of orange juice to be brought up in five minutes. He goes back up to the room, tells his friends to stop talking for a minute, then leans down to the electrical OUTLET, speaks into it and orders a glass of orange juice. His friends all laugh until there's a knock on the door. It's the orange juice. They all go pale and decide that the party's over and go to bed.

The next morning, Sasha gets up to find that he's alone, no friends, no belongings, not a trace whatsoever.

He finds a note on the dresser that reads: "Comrade Sasha, President Putin would like you to know that he really enjoyed your orange juice joke, but next time, just turn them in. It takes a lot of red tape and paperwork to fill out the missing persons reports.

Inspired by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozpek_FrOPs ?

Maybe Windsor is more appropriate anyway.

From mail online - The top 20 worst dad jokes... as scientists claim listeners who hear groan-inducing puns are actually     GRATEFUL for the gags - but do you agree?

    1. Elevators terrify me... I'm taking steps to avoid them. 
    2. I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards', and I thought... 'That's just spam...'
    3. What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
    4. Me and my friends put a band together, we named it 999 megabytes. Still don't have a gig though.
    5. I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me.
    6. I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta Sea.
    7. Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.
    8. In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life.
    9. I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I said: 'Homer's a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.'
  10. I said to my wife: 'When I die I'd like to die having sex.' She replied: 'At least it'll be quick.'
  11.  I've decided I want a pet termite. I'm going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood.
  12. So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
  13. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10-tickles.
  14.  'Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.
  15.  I figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It's because they charge a lot.
  16. Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.
  17. My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
  18. Did you hear about the new Origami Porn channel? It's paper view only.
  19. I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary. I said, 'Mark, my words!'
  20. I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.

I've just realised that for some reason, I have not looked at the Jokes thread since to Four Candles pic posted 16 Oct. So after a good laugh, I remain puzzled by Alfred's music post yesterday.  Please, what is the joke there?

Is it that the loony playing the guitar in previous post is singing to Fur Elise, is he?

From PunnyPete ~PUNdora

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.

He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look, and to his horror finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'.

He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out, lad!"

The mason apologises profusely and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.

The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard.

There, in the glow of the winter sun, is the pristine headstone. Upon it is inscribed: "Ee, She Were Thin."