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Alfred's Serif Users' Forums → General Discussion → Your jokes
The tearful lad comes home in his soccer kit.
"What's wrong son?" said his dad.
"We lost 10-nil!"
"Never mind lad, you're only 10 years old and it's only a game"
"Only a game! you should have heard what the Manager said - he's threatening to put us all on the transfer market!"
Punny Pete
>Scarlett Overkill<
Man gets into a taxi and the driver starts chatting.
"You know something", said the taxi driver. "I absolutely love this job, I am my own boss and no-one, but no-one, ever tells me what to do - no orders, nothing!"
The man looks up and says, "left here mate!"
At the hospital.
Nurse: "Doctor, Doctor come quick! The patient swallowed a teaspoon this morning and he hasn't stirred all day!"
Two ladies chatting.
"My hubby's over there with the bonnet up fixing the car - we call our car baby; it won't go anywhere without a rattle"
I have also got one for Karen.
A young lad swallowed all the tiles of a Scrabble set.
The doctor said the problem would eventually sort itself out, but not in so many words...
I have also got one for Karen.
A young lad swallowed all the tiles of a Scrabble set.
The doctor said the problem would eventually sort itself out, but not in so many words...
Although, of course, if your non-dominant hand is out of action, as in a cast for a few weeks as happened with me back in 2012, you do actually realise just how much you do use it. 
"I am so glad I am a professional accountant and not a professional archaeologist"
"Why's that?"
"I have a friend who is an archaeologist and his life is in ruins!"
"I am so glad I am a professional accountant and not a professional archaeologist"
"Why's that?"
"I have a friend who is an archaeologist and his life is in ruins!"
A blonde walks in a bank to get a loan. “I need to borrow $100 for a month,” she says.
The banker frowns, but takes her information anyway. He runs her credit but can’t find a report. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but in the absence of a credit record, we’ll have to charge 20% interest on the loan, and you’ll need to put up collateral.
“What does that mean?” the blonde says.
“It means,” the banker says, “you’ll have to repay us $120, and you’ll need to give us something more valuable to hold onto until you pay us back.”
“Something more valuable?” the blonde says. “How about my Ferrari?”
The banker nearly snorts his coffee all over his desk, but he prides himself on customer service so he soldiers on. He runs the title on the Ferrari and what do you know, the blonde owns it free and clear. “Okay, he says, “I’ll print out the papers.”
“Just so I understand,” the blonde says, “I give you my Ferrari and you give me a hundred dollars, right? And then in a month, I give you $120 and you give me my Ferrari back?”
“Yes,” the banker says, “that’s the deal.”
She signs the paperwork and hands him the keys. He counts out $100 for her and watches her saunter out the door.
A month to the day later, he’s sitting at his desk when the blonde saunters back in. She hands him $120 and says “I get my car back, right?”
“Yep, he says as he hands her the keys. She turns to go but he stops her. “Miss, I really have to ask, why did you use a $140,000 car as collateral on a $100 loan?”
“Oh!” the blonde says. “I got called out of town unexpectedly on business. How else can I park a Ferrari for a month in Manhattan for only $20?”
How’s that for originality?
Lord Nelson was 5ft 6in.
His statue is 17ft 4in.
That’s Horatio of 3:1.
Lord Nelson was 5ft 6in.
His statue is 17ft 4in.
That’s Horatio of 3:1.
Not to Karen's standard - but oh well...
Not to Karen's standard - but oh well...
I do a football match programme for my local team each week and put a joke in each edition AND been doing these programmes for many years now. Reason for mentioning? I have well over 100 jokes like this - grooaannn...
I have well over 100 jokes like this - grooaannn...
So, enough to keep going for a couple of years before you have to either find new ones or start recycling the ones you have? That’s pretty impressive!
Well, maybe not pretty, but still impressive.
Another soccer joke - only 100 to go...
From the Dwarves, Elves & Men FB page. 
Alfred's Serif Users' Forums → General Discussion → Your jokes
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