Hello Geoff.

Thank you for posting and starting a discission.

William

It is an ugly passage. Perhaps "The Editor......who was standing......, was confronting her."

You may find this site interesting: https://mistakeswritersmake.com/sat-and … 5-and-116/

Geoff's version seems quite different from my version. It may be better than my version.

I am trying to work out exactly why.

So I opened the browser twice, one instantiation displaying the PDF document version and the other displaying Geoff's version.

In Geoff's version the meaning has changed.

Edward works at the research centre where Edith is the Secretary-General. So Edith often sees Edward. Edith usually only sees Angela at social events, when Angela is Edward's guest.

Angela's reply has gone downmarket.

I like the way that Geoff has Angela "joining the small throng".

I used the exclamation mark deliberately. Although it was a question it was more a surprised and indignant exclamation in tone. Sort of more like an interrobang type thing of both question and exclamation at the same time.

"who was nearby, intervenes" is a good addition.

However, Julia's direct speech has gone. I try to write so as that if a movie is made of the novel then the words to speak are ready to use.

"who is angrily confronting a disbelieving Angela" is good. I can imagine Angela stood there looking amazed at his actions.

Alas, "This one" has gone, but adding "pointing rudely" does add to the imagery of him standing there pointing his finger, his hand going up and down as he points.

I notice that from Edward and Edith departing to the disbelief, that Geoff has converted my seven sentences to  two sentences. Perhaps that is the key difference between the two versions.

A bit about "old friends" is in the first novel, in Chapter 4.

> “The editor and I are old friends, or should I say we have been friends for a long time.”
chuckles Edith.

(For the avoidance of doubt, the editor mentioned in that quote is not the Editor of Trade Magazine!)

William

I'm sorry. Not having read the earlier parts of the story I am unaware of the exact relationship between the characters, or how informally they ma speak.

In my view that is a serious problem. You are writing a novel, not a play. You need more background information, setting the scene, describing the surroundings etc. There is a lot going on that the characters would not mention, but which would inform and interest the reader.

You said she was "alone". She was not, there were lots of people around her. However she was "on her own" in  that she had no immediate companions with her.

There you go again!

Better grammatically perhaps, but that somewhat changes the meaning. William is imagining Angela in the present, not the past.

"She stood and looked", or "she is standing and is looking". Not "she stood and is looking". Maybe she looked as if she was standing.

I'm just sat sitting here, not stood standing. I can't stand sitting too long.

Has Geoff or anyone else folowed the links in my previous post and had a read please?

Either the ending of the first novel or the start of the first novel, or maybe dipped-in to a chapter inthe middle?

If dipping-in, I like to think that Chapter 34 is one of the best chapters in the novel.

By the way, the way that the forum has displayed the sequence of three links can give the impression that I have put the same link twice by mistake, yet that is not the case, there are three documents.

By the way Geoff, one chapter of the first novel includes something inspired by a post that you made in the Serif lounge forum.

http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~ngo/l … er_017.pdf

Here is an author note written before Chapter 17 was written.

http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~ngo/l … er_013.pdf

I am glad that I included some author notes and dated them. The novel was written from June 2016 to February 2019, so the author note mentioned was quite early in the writing process.

Please know that each chapter of the novel has the date of its publication built-in to its document properties, which can be accessed from Adobe Reader.

William

Thank you.

William

Hi Geoff

Alas, yet thank you for replying.

The part in Chapter 17 of my first novel that was influenced by what you had posted in the Serif lounge forum is the part about the airship.

You had posted about an airship and that was therefore a topic that I had in my mind at the time, so I wrote about an airship and that developed into something for the story. I like to think that the part inspired by the airship is amongst the best pieces of my writing.

William

Anybody?

The thread has stuck at 212 views, so let's move it forward please.

William